AN ODD STORY: KODELAISM IN SLOVENIA
Slovenian Led Zeppelin analyst, long-rumoured "sex pest", and general all-round pest Samo Kodela has unluckily spent his entire adult life under psychiatric control.
The money problem has been fixed for him by his respectable squarents, a chemistry teacher and the stock control chief formerly responsible for not-so-supermarket chain Mercator.
Samo somehow grew up with plenty of control, quite stocky, but with no chemistry whatsoever.
Nothing like him had been seen in Ex-Yu before. Faced with the unusual conundrum of a teenage boy interested in Led Zep and sex, Slovenia's top Catholic head-doctors were bought in.
Melancholy: Slovenia's Anti-Sex Party lost in the latest elections to the Let's Put Taxes Up Party
Diagnoses of such manias thankfully passed out of fashion in the UK long ago, as sales of afghan coats, patchouli oil, and Zeppelin themselves all perished in the cold fire of a new, bigger bodhi.
The position in Slovenia is not so clear. Is Samo's Condition real?
Or is he merely an unlucky victim of prissy girls, of exaggeration? Of pre-feminist sexual mores? Here on the Sunni side of the Alps where comically dated Anglo-American hip meets the gray shadow of Communist political psychiatry meets Rome's hangups. Where many mangled and mingled dynasties put the feud into feudal.
Where the repression of individualism was so severe as to be "incomprehensible to individualists in the West"
DAMNED SPOTS BREAKTHROUGH
After many expensive sessions probing Kodela for answers, the doctors felt that they would be damned if they did and damned if they didn't find a problem.
Kodela was diagnosed with two dangerous 1970s psychiatric conditions, namely: not being about to embarrass his parents by having to go to court for "stalking" Slovenia's pure girls, some as young as 25, and upper-middle class demonic possession by the original non-progressive rock of Merrie Englande.
In his blog Kodela tells how his illness began when he was the victim of a plot by Slovenian witches.
Samo's anxiety about not getting laid is being professionally treated with artificial extract of heliotrope.
CULT ORIGINS AND OLOGIES
Matters worsened with the neighbours when Kodela began to suffer from delusions of atheism.
In an interesting European backwoods twist on the cargo cults, faux-atheist Kodela's totem transference is to the plagiarist god known as Robert Plant. Kodelaism was born.
An ancient, mythical Slovenian legend records that when the seed of Samo fell upon his Mudslide bootleg the Earth-Deity Samo and Rock-God Plant mystically fused into a single homeopathic entity - this came to be known as the Samoplant, peas be upon him.
Kodelaism has strong views on sin.
Its First Commandment: thou shalt have naught but these three topics of conversation: Samo's Condition, Samo's plans for Slovenia-wide musical stardom, and Led Zeppelin.
Try to talk about something else in His presence - and you're absolutely a sinner.
ABOMINABLE SHOWMAN SPOTTED
Kodelaism is the absolutist monotheism which demands its disciples' complete attention at all times, all the time.
Ensnared by their own kindness, Samo's new friends find they must be constantly available to his ego, slaves to his every whim.
Sarcasm and playful blackmail or other manipulative techniques await his unfortunate devotees if their minds go wandering off ...to the wrong things.
Like all cults, Kodelaism is inflexible, thick skinned and impervious to criticism. You, not it, must change.
Although it is an unhappy religion it does not see why it should change, or go away.
Most people who choose the second option find they have to make it pretty obvious.
This is Zeppelin. So you can forget all that hippy consciousness-expansion nonsense. Kodelaism is the Great Anti-Bodhi - almost completely non-perceptive, low oxytocin, and empathy-free.
As is usual in the religious manias, all rival religions are wrong ...but Kodelaism's own obsession is of value to us all.
As with zealous evangelists from Tomás de Torquemada to Jerry Falwell, the role of the congregation in Kodela's cult is to suffer Kodela's terrible torture whilst paying Kodela to listen to Kodela peddling stories about Kodela.
The cult's hairy tentacles already encircle the globe from its hiding place in Slovenia invisible to virtually everyone.
Venn diagram of Kodelaism's mass appeal
GLOSSOLALIA AND RELIGIOUS POP-ROCKS
Kodela is able to babble incoherent utterances and meaningless syllables in both Slovene and English.
He's just riffing, though. His musical output is unique, extraordinary, and one day he'll be a Slovenian household name. I wonder if it'll be anything to do with music?
As the reincarnation of Plant his hopes of mesmerising a groupie following may seem unlikely. But followers do some crazy stuff.
By his mid-20s it was clear Kodela's mental health had been stricken by the world pandemic of incurable Showbizfame Arrhythmic Dystonia now decimating our best singing talents.
Boffins say Samo's SAD Condition will lead to a fatal episode of Great Willy Pop. Over months, confusing AC and anti-AC signals will start having a shootout across Samo's loco paralyticus.
Next, all low and medium frequencies in Samo's singing will vanish as his third leg grows up into his throat, which will distend into a large man-fanny, leading to venereal pleurisy and a massive liquid petroleum gas buildup in his goolies-with-penis.
Kodela's man-fanny, left, and the mechanism of Great Willy Pop
Gradually Samo's fertility will lag until he is continuously shrieking like a shrill Shrek.
GWP climaxes dramatically. As sparks pour from the guru's third eye, up goes the LPG. The victim disintegrates explosively in a mass of fiery balls like the Hindenburg.
Slovenian Olympic hopes hang on his timing being right for him to explode onto the track at London's Olympics, and pluck the small alpine country's all-time record at penis enlargement.
HOW CAN I JOIN THE KODELAISM TEAM?
Give him your phone number! You'll be astonished how quickly you begin receiving random wisdom via SMS.
I got: "Hello darling! I've been thinking about your floop ass all morning! Any chance for hard drive?"
Communion with the Samoplant is available to pilgrims on the divine path of Kodelaism who comment on his youtube.
Youtuber 21cbb wrote "shit song" and received this personal psalm from the Dear Leader himself: Shit is only used on the fields around my home town, you on the other hand probably have it all around your horse stable you live in and only marihuana shit should be use for smoking, while you take your own shit and not just inhale it, but also put your fingers in it and then whistling the The national anthem with your fingers in your mouth!
But the ultimate way to Samoparadise is to immerse yourself in Slovenia's champion marathon Led Zep blogger's Bible of Bile.
It contains 230017 words of esoteric Stairway To Heaven-related teachings in just the first 100 pages!
APART FROM THE EXPLOSION OF BOLLOCKS ARE THERE ANY OTHER DANGERS AWAITING THOSE WHOM KODELA FOLLOWS?
Yes. Complications of GWP combined with Stockholm Syndrome include the serious mental condition known as Bender's Grass.
Kodelaism is mildly dangerous in a church-infested, overpoliticised, sneaky, top-heavy and desperate-to-feed bourgeois psychiatric establishment which Slovenia probably has.
As potential cult members get fed up with him chasing them around town, Kodela may rain down his righteous wrath.
Unable to escape from psychiatry anyway or to deal with the relationship the right way Samoplant is obliged by his contract to blab away about anything he discovers in the real world which he can connect to himself with his real friends...at the hospital.
Kidderminster's Franz Josef Hospital for the Overzeppelined
Influences from earlier cults such as EqualiTito and HushPappy make Kodelaism's love of medical authority all about confusing confession with denunciation. To get to heaven.
Heaven is subjective. Samoplant's Heaven contains the attention, parental approval and uncritical appreciation of his talents he so desperately craves. Sadly the clinic cannot offer him a shag.
But be warned, dr. ga. rinkova - it can never be enough.
Apocalytpic, unapologetic, Kodelaism and its member is seventies clay-footed rocksploitation, miracle-worker, the Queen of Diamonds, Bono and the Twelfth Imam rolled into one. A niche in the ultra-orthodox Muslim music marketplace is assured. His art is halal.
ROCK ON SAMO!